Everyone wants to be happy. I’ve never met anyone who says that they don’t. However, we often go to self-sabotage with our default settings that do not serve us and our happiness.
Realize that Things Aren’t always Black or White.
What does that mean? When I listen to people in my coaching practice, I often hear things like: “I always fuck things up.” Or, “I’ll never find that kind of guy – all the good ones are taken.” Or, “She never listens to me.” Or, “I’m just not a good businessperson.”
The common element in these statement are they are all or nothing. They use words like, “always,” “never,”all,” etc. The truth is that those kind of statements send a message to the subconscious mind and the mind processes that as if these statement are ABSOLUTELY true. We cannot get out of default with these kind of all-encompassing statements. So, STOP saying them to yourself and others around you. There are very few absolutes. Some things may be FINAL, but seldom are things as FATAL as we make them sound.
Speak Kindly To Yourself.
This one is related to the first one. We might say something like, “You’re such an idiot!” Or, “I’m such a klutz!” Or, “I suck at relationships!”
It’s often been referred to as self-talk. But we can speak positively to ourselves or we can speak negatively. It’s a choice. How do you speak to yourself? Louise Hay says,
You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
We like it when others speak kindly to us or name some positive trait we carry. I wonder what we would think of someone who speaks as negatively of others as we practice talking to ourselves. Why not saying things like, “I’ve got this!” or, “I always land on my feet!” Or, “You can do this – you’ve been through harder stuff than this!”
Practice the Art of Feeling Good.
One of the best things about attending a Tony Robbins event called Unleash the Power Within is that he quickly teaches you about positive emotional states. He teaches that our words, our physiology, and our emotions create our emotional state.
We spend a lot of time practicing and rehearsing feeling badly. Like going over and over in our mind about when our boyfriend left.
Tony often has us jumping up and down and laughing and dancing. It’s very hard to feel bad when you’re dancing. Or jumping up and down.
The most important thing to practice is to remember a time when we felt good and mimicking that state. For me, I often go to a moment when I qualified for the NCAA wrestling championships. I remember jumping into the arms of my coach, filled with exhilaration. Anchor these moments. We literally have many, many moments that we could go to. Remember how you felt when you and your significant other had that first kiss? Or, that special dance? Or that walk down the river walk? Or laughing hysterically in bed about something stupid?
Remember that Where Focus Goes, Energy Flows.
This is very much related to the last point. We can create good energy by focusing on the great things in our lives.
There’s a technique called stacking. We can stack 5, 10, 12, or more things together on why our relationship isn’t working and why we want out. OR, we can look for every positive thing that’s ever happened in that relationship. Where focus goes, energy (positive or negative) flows. What kind of energy do you want in your life?
Would you choose happiness? If so, remember that things are not always black or white – they are not absolutes. Speak kindly to yourself and practice the art of feeling good by getting into a positive emotional state. Change your physiology to that which serves YOU. And, remember that what you focus on will be where your energy goes. Why not choose happy energy?
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